The enemy didn’t want me to have this moment of breakthrough. I could’ve missed this moment, if I didn’t have a husband that insisted on me going to service this day. [No, I don’t think that you have to be in a building for God to meet you. But, God knew what I needed.] I fought going with every excuse in the book. Years of being overlooked, unthought of by “churches.” Years of feeling “less than” and “not good enough” as a wife AND woman.
December – May… those were some of the hardest months of this journey. Battling depression – anxiety, feeling like I just wanted to give up on “this whole God” thing. I just couldn’t understand how/why I was STILL going through this. I had my eyes fixed on my storm, on the waves, on the water rising around me instead of fixing my eyes on the one who can WALK on water.
But God knew that the moment would come, where I would have to complete break my pride & say, “I’m that woman.” The woman that desires to be a mom, but it still hasn’t happened yet. God knew that I needed to literally GET UP, WALK, & LEAVE the pain of an infertility diagnosis at the altar. Broken, Tired, Hurting, Just as I was. He knew that I needed to be poured into & loved back to life. He knew that He was going to wash me in his love, fill me with joy and use his daughters to build me back up. He knew that every tear I cried would be a sign of surrendering my plans, my life, my desires to His Will. He knew that every sob would be me giving this to Him.
Although I still have HARD moments. I STILL cry. I STILL have to remind myself daily of God’s promises to me. I am thankful that God healed me of a broken heart. I am thankful that he gives me peace, even as I am walking through this storm. I am thankful that He loves me beyond my hurt and pain. I am thankful for the tiny breakthroughs that have happened since this moment! I am thankful for the connections and relationships that have been formed since this moment! I am thankful for the joy that I have felt since this moment! I am thankful for the hope that was restored in this moment. God is SO good, SO faithful. Even in the storm. // “You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.” – Psalms 30:11-12