On November 12th, I posted a a picture to my instagram that said, “The devil whispered in my ear, ‘you’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.” Today I whispered in the devil’s ear, ‘I am the storm.”
That was a GOOD day. Looking back, I don’t remember what happened that day. I think it’s the day that I finally started my second account, to document our journey to children. Something that I had allow fear to stop me from doing for about a year now. Either way, I felt like I was on top of the world. I should have known that I would be tested, to see if could really stand on the very thing that I proclaimed.
It was the very next day that I started to have some serious pain. The kind of pain that forces you to stop whatever you are doing and want to scream. Now, I have an extremely EXTREMELY high pain tolerance. But this pain was different. I spent the night laying on the couch, trying to understand what was going on. I hadn’t done anything significantly differently in my diet. I was taking my vitamins and evening primrose oil. I was drink Red raspberry leaf tea. I was praying! I was believing! Then, around midnight, I started to get nauseated and I knew that this was the beginning of an endometriosis flare up.
That was on a Sunday. That week should have been filled with me being intentional about spending time with God, reading and meditating on His Word and specifically praying against any attacks on my body, but it wasn’t. I allowed so many other things to distract me and weigh me down. Ya’ll know how it feels to have a week were it’s one thing after another, after another? That’s the type of week I had. You know, when your job is gone haywire, coworkers cutting up, money is looking strange, etc..etc. Guess what? I wasn’t casting any of my cares upon our Father. I was taking them all upon myself, and I ended up stressing myself out for a week.
So, by the weekend, I was running on fumes. I’d neglected my spiritual and physical health for too long. I took off my armor. I was in the middle of war, with no weapons. The shoes of peace were sitting in my war room getting dusty, along with the sword of the spirit and the shield of faith.
That evening, I battled with the spirit of pride as I knew I needed to ask for prayer… but I didn’t want anybody to know that “I messed up.” I casually mentioned to a few sisters in Christ that I wasn’t feeling “the best’ and that I needed prayer. Was I 100% transparent? No. I felt like I could manage on my own.
That was before I started having these pains that I can only describe as the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I have had “bad cramps,” before. I’ve had “really bad cramps” the kind that hurt so bad that it takes your speech away. This was different. I literally was paralyzed by pain. I could feel my uterus contracting, and shooting pain ran from my back to my feet. I had no choice but to lay down, because standing or walking was impossible while I was in the middle of this. It felt like my entire left ovary was trying to squeeze through my fallopian tube and fall out. If I didn’t focus on breathing, I would have definitely passed out because the pain took my breath away. It was that tears running down your face, toe curling, don’t talk to me kinda pain. It was a vicious cycle of “contraction,” pain, trying to breath through it, laying down, crying, closing my eyes, drifting off to a “sleep” state, waking up in an hour to find blood everywhere, taking a shower/changing clothes, trying to do anything that I needed to get done in the time I had before another “contraction” would come. (I’m putting contraction in parentheses because I don’t know what else to call them.) Did I mention this was on my husband’s birthday?
I felt like a failure in every, single area of my life.
As a woman, because it is a constant battle to love yourself + your body when it constantly reminds you that your reproductive organs are not functions as they are supposed too. It’s a constant battle to tell the enemy that he is a liar, when he tries to tell you that you are a defined by your diagnosis.
As a wife, because here-again- this stupid, chronic medical condition was interrupting my life. As it does for so many women around the world. It’s a constant battle to tell the enemy that he is a liar, when he tries to tell you that you aren’t a good wife because of these situations. That your husband deserves “better.”
As a friend, because I always want to be the strong one for everyone.
As a nurse, because when I was finally able to go to work, I was so exhausted physically and mentally that I was not my normal self.
…and even as a Christian. It’s a battle to fight back against the enemy when you are drained. When you’ve not slept in days, in a constant state of pain and have probably lost enough blood to need a transfusion. I didn’t feel like I could get on social media and encourage anybody. Post a blog? How could I keep praying for the everybody else, when I was STILL waiting on healing.
Looking back, I notice that my physical state directly correlated with my spiritual state. What started out being tired, physically turned into spiritual exhaustion. I began to isolate myself from everybody, including God. I was tired of waiting for healing. I wanted to give up. I was tired of standing on faith. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it just comes easy to people that tell me “Just have faith,” but faith exercises your spiritual muscles. It requires you to remember God’s Word + promises when everything that you can see looks opposite. Faith requires you to tell the enemy that he is a liar when you have every single right to feel like God has forgotten you. You see, It’s hard to mediate on God’s promise(s) when you are wounded, broken and bleeding.
But, what i’ve discovered is that it’s in those moment that you really are able to see who God is. It’s in those moments that your faith is being strengthened. You see, those moments are make-it-or-break-it moments. Either you are going to get in the fight & keep believing God through this, or you are going to quit.
I know that I reference this Truth all the time, but it is what the Holy Spirit downloads in my spirit. It’s in the book of James, in the passage about Faith and Endurance. It says, “Dear brothers and sister, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider is an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing”
So, while I may be uncomfortable for a while, and I might be in pain. I have to remember that this pain is purposeful. This pain is equipping me for a task much greater than this that I will face in the future. This season is pruning out some of the character flaws and tendencies that I have. This storm is washing away my pride, and exposing some of the weak muscles that need to be strengthen. This test is building up spiritual (and physical) endurance that God know’s I will need in future seasons of my life. So, I had to declare war on the enemy & get back in the fight.
I just want to encourage you to stay in the fight. Get with your sisters and brother in Christ and call out the spirits that are trying to attack you. Don’t isolate yourself. Don’t allow the enemy to take you out of the race. God cannot lie. Just say that out loud. God, cannot lie. His Word is true. So whatever Scripture you need to mediate on, find it and plant it everywhere around you. THAT is what you can hold on to. THAT is what I am holding on too. THAT is why I can write this blog & tell the enemy that his plan didn’t work. He didn’t win. THAT is why I can boldly say that I know I will be healed.
I’m so happy to be back.
