This has been a rough week for me, and it’s only Wednesday. Ever since Saturday, it’s like God has been saying “will you still rest?” Can you hold fast to the Word that I gave you? Can YOU rest, still? You see, it’s an everyday thing to walk out resting in God’s promises and sometimes I have moments when I seem to be falling flat on my face.
The Holy Spirit keeps bringing me to the passage in Matthew 26, when Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane. I often times beat myself up for having “moments.” It’s something that I’ve been working on for a while. Every time I begin to beat myself down for how I’m feeling- whether sad, hurt, disappointed, forgotten, etc… The Holy Spirit instantly brings me back to this… [This is why it’s so good to stay in our Word.. so it can literally speak to us.]
Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me. He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.” – Matthew 26:38-39
Can I be transparent? This whole encouraging while in the wait…It doesn’t feel good all of the times. Sometimes, I feel like it’s too much. A diagnosis of infertility is painful, it’s heartbreaking, it’s sorrow-anger-despair and more. It’s crying over a child that you’ve yet to hold in your arms. It’s screaming on the bathroom floor. It’s one shattered heart, after another, after another negative test. It’s holding back tears every, single time someone asks about kids. It’s a constant rollercoaster of emotions that I wouldn’t wish on my very, worst enemy. [Now, I know my pain is nothing compared to knowing that you are about to be separated from your Father, suffer the worst form of capital punishment, and take the wrath of God for the world… ] But, just like Jesus had a moment in the garden. I, too, have garden moments.
Most people share their story AFTER they’ve overcome the battle. The testimony comes when the test is over. Not this. This is glorifying God, while waiting on the testimony to manifest.
I knew it would be hard. I knew that saying “yes,” to what God was calling me to do would be difficult. I knew it would mature my faith and character. I knew that I would have moment of intense pressure. Moments that I would want to give up. Moments that I, too, would want to cry out and say… “Nevermind Abba, this is too much! I know you told me the mission from the beginning, but it’s just become too much.” But even in those moments, when it seems like the pain is too much, I have remember that it’s about HIS WILL and not my own.
Now, just to be clear- I don’t believe that God “gave” me infertility. SIN is the cause of infertility. I know that Jesus’ death on the Cross granted me access to GOD and HEALING. I’m just waiting on my natural body to line up with what my Spiritual body has received. I believe that God is being glorified in this, and will work this out for my good and HIS glory will be all over our story.
But, that doesn’t mean I get it 100% right all the time. I still have days where I can’t quite figure out what to say when I pray or how to encourage my spirit. In moments like these, I am SO thankful for the Holy Spirit [sending me this song in the same moment that my last post was inspired.] I’ve been playing this at home, in the car and at work in the moments when I feel like all is lost. I LOVE spending time in prayer, so maybe that’s why this encourages me? Maybe it speaks to my inner intercessor. LOL! Either way, I know that meditating on the things of God and fighting our battles in the spirit will get us through. I wanted to share this powerful moment in prayer with you, and hopefully it encourages your spirit man too!
Keep fighting sis, even when you are on your face in those “garden moments…”
P.S- I do not own any rights to this song. I just found it on Youtube, and it ministered to me. I wanted to share.
P.S x2- Make sure you are registered for this FREE educational event hosted by my friend Tiffany, in recognition of PCOS & NICU Awareness Month this September! We have a great lineup of professional panelists, including Marriage & Family Therapists, Licensed Foster Care Adoption Administrator, Reproductive Endocrinologist, and a NICU Clinical Nurse Manager just to name a few. They’ll be sharing their expertise and knowledge concerning PCOS & NICU related issues, and answering any questions that you have. Don’t miss this! It’ll be well worth your time, so get registered via https://www.mypredestinedone.org/registration