“Have we talked about when we can do surgery?”
Those were his first words as he walked into the exam room where I was waiting, nervous but calmly after having a painful TV ultrasound done.
Calm flew out of the window and I hit pause on the worship song that I was listening to since the night before. (Yes & Amen- Housefires)
No, we haven’t talked about surgery! Surgery on what? Why do I need surgery?
You see, my prayers have been for God to perform a miracle and heal me from my suspected PCOS.
So imagine how I felt when he (my doctor) told me that I needed surgery to remove the scar tissue my endometriosis has formed & oh just by the way, your uterus is inverted- which means it is tilted the wrong way.
“Father, please help me not to fall on this floor and cut the fool in this doctor’s office.” This was the only thing I could say at this moment, and a knot started to build in my throat + something was obviously in both of my eyes… how strange.
As he questioned me about my family history: illnesses, difficulty conceiving and pregnancies. I had to explain to him that I did not know the answers to this questions because my family does not disclose that information. (See my blog on family secrets, here) & that, YES… I did find the fact that I could barely move while on my period + the whole ordeal to be strange; BUT I was told that it was NORMAL (probably because endometriosis is most genetic) and that I was over exaggerating. No doctor would ever LISTEN to me & I was made to feel crazy. So, you mean to tell me that I have had this for umpteen years and I could have been treated?
“So what does this mean & what are my options?”– That was the only question I could get out. Whatever was in my eyes was REALLY starting to burn and water was building up in them… (smile) & my head reallllllllllly started to pound. He told me that in my case, I could either….
A. Have surgery, evaluate my infertility, develop a plan, have kids and then have a hysterectomy to elevate the pain that I have learned to deal with for weeks at a time + the anemia cause by bleeding like someone has stabbed me.
B. I can eat a vegan diet, focus on losing weight & natural healing. Reevaluate in three months and go from there.
With both options, I should pray and trust God. I will be a mamma one day.
Well thanks sir. You’ve only turned my world upside down. You see, that’s not what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to hear those options. I honestly wanted to hear that I had been healed, my ovaries don’t look like grapes & my hormones weren’t off of the charts. I thought that I had ENOUGH to deal with, enough pages in my book. God, you are a GOOD father. Why are you putting me through this? I felt that there was NO way our loving Father would allow for infertility to be chapter in my life. No way. It’s just TOO painful. I’ve already had to go through not living with my birth parents, not meeting my birth dad until I was a senior in high school, being verbally + mentally abused, being exposed to sex at a young age, contemplated suicide, a messy + violent divorce, the list goes on & on..so there is NO way that a good Father would add to that.
“God, you know that I can’t handle that. I can’t take anything else.”
Do you know what he told me?
“My grace is enough; its all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 MSG
Daughter, I am all you need. Find me in the midst of this storm & put all of your hope in me. Love, Dad.
I wish that I could say that I walked out of that office with renewed strength & a heart full of hope.
The truth is, I barely maintained my composure at the desk, scheduled my follow up appointment & walked to the car like a zombie.
Before my husband could ask me how everything was, I started crying (STRIKETHROUGH) screaming. I lost it. I definitely went through the first two stages of grief in the car. I just couldn’t understand how God felt that this was okay. I had dealt with enough in my life. I couldn’t take anything else. It’s not fair that “everybody else (even though 1in 8 couples struggle to conceive)” gets to have kids & live a perfect life and I get stuck with ALL the tests and trials.
& honestly ya’ll, I still don’t understand it. I still go into my prayer closet and scream that this isn’t fair. That God shouldn’t have given me this desire to torment me forever. That I walk by faith & have to get tested and tested. But, what I do know is that He said that all things work together for the good of those that love him. [Romans 8:28]
So even though I can’t handle this, I am so thankful for a Father that asks me to cast my worries and cares on to him [1 Peter 5:7.] Because I have Him, I don’t have to handle this. I have to give this to him, I have to surrender ALL control (help me, Jesus) and fix my eyes on Him.
Is it easy? No. I just sat on the floor in the living room and cried until my eyes hurt. My heart still hurts every time I see a baby announcement or get invited to a baby shower. My heart hurts because nobody asks me how I am doing. Women battling infertility are often overlooked, forgotten and excluded. We “come with too much baggage & are too much to deal with.” My heart hurts because my husband doesn’t deserve this. My heart hurts because people tell me that I don’t have faith & that I must not be praying and seeking God enough.
But, in the end- I know that no matter how many tears I cry – God is faithful to his promises. So on the days that I just can’t deal, I surrender the pain to him & ask him to carry me.